One of the burning questions that faces us as we contemplate the upcoming series in which we will compete with the Phoenix Suns for the Western Conference Championship is whether Ron Artest will play like he did in Game 3 of the previous series in which we competed with the Jazz in a win or go home type of situation. Clearly the question is a burning one for Ron Artest is capable of important offensive as well as defensive contributions to the team that we all love that hails from the City of the Angels. Los Angeles is Spanish for The Angels, a fact which probably all of my readers are well aware of except for Tyler. The question is, will Ron Artest continue to play at a high level at both ends of the floor, or not? I find this a question worth asking. It is worth the analysis required in the case of this instance, because double-threat Artest is twice as valuable as single-threat Artest out there on the hardwood. I wish he was allowed to wear a football helmet. As the new series approaches we will find ourselves asking this burning question again and again to each other but ultimately Artest is the only person who can answer it beyond the shadow of a doubt, and furthermore he will have to answer it not in English or Spanish or any other language unless you count the intricate dance of professional athletic competition as a language metaphorically. In the meantime I hope to provide valuable analysis of it.

Today I was at voc. rehab and the subject of the Lakers came up, and when I said I was a fan my counselor bashed my eye with a paperweight and stood over me panting as I twitched on the blue carpet. I noticed several paperclips down there. I eventually regained my seat and whilst smoothing the bleeding flapping coattails of my forehead managed a joke about the Jazz's recent disgrace to lighten the mood. My counselor laughed and when I shut my eyes in relief attacked me with his three-ring binder. Later on I got about fourteen books at the library, but none about basketball or the Lakers sadly. In my opinion the Lakers are one of the most storied franchises in the history of our beloved game which I believe was invented by Native Americans in the happy days before the relentless pogroms and squatting. 

We have a difficult challenge ahead, i.e. the Phoenix Suns. They are fast, motivated, politically aware, they get back on defense, and a lot of their shots go in. The keys to this series will be the same keys as always, namely, manliness, courage, optimism, and suavity. It will be important for Bynum not to have his knee cave in, and also, while rebounding, to grab the ball in a firm, two-handed grip rather than just slap at the net feebly and gaze at the photographers before slowly turning and jogging back. Phil Jackson must not forget to rotate the players and run the Triangle Offence. Kobe, compared by many to Michael Jordan, must hold himself to a standard of excellence. And we fans must immolate ourselves before Perun, the Slavic god of war, and offer up our crops and herds if necessary. I thought that cow would never die last year. It is important to play your hardest in professional sports of any kind. 

Regarding the Kobe/MJ debate, I wish Kobe would grow his hair out like in the old days sometimes. The basis for this wish is that I like the way Kobe looked with his hair grown out. If you shave a dog or a rabbit of all its hair, the psychological effect is that they appear to be more sinister and cold-blooded than usual. But, it will be argued, Kobe self-identifies as a snake, and snakes don't have hair. But ah! imagine if they did; they would be twice as dangerous. It can also be argued that Kobe desires that merciless, sinister, cold-blooded aspect as yet another weapon in his arsenal. My only objection to this is, I liked how he looked with his hair grown out, because you could imagine patting him on the head after a brilliant game and he would nuzzle your hand like a cat. Those were the days. Unless they're that one kind of hill Christian, people don't go around patting snakes on the head for a reason. Reason must play a central role in today's society. 

Who is better, Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan? Though this question has been debated endlessly in the world of sports, no definite answer is in sight. The reason for this is, it cannot be subjected to scientific experimentation like other questions can, e.g. is healthy lettuce or poison better for dwarf rabbits. Dwarf rabbits are the third most popular pet in the United States, behind cats and dogs. Some dogs are better than others; this certainly is subjective opinion in many circumstances, but if we ask, "Better at what?", then we can certainly attain the objectivity necessary to act as rational judges in such scenarios.

For example, "German Shepherds are better police dogs than most teacup breeds, e.g. the Yorkshire terrier." A teacup Yorkshire terrier fits in a teacup, ergo it is not a better police dog than a German Shepherd, for apprehending heavy criminals. There may be cases where the police have to get a handcuff key (e.g.) out of a little hole and their fingers are too big, and in those cases a Yorkshire terrier might be the best police dog, if it was trained to retrieve handcuff keys, bullets, pubic hairs, clues, etc. etc. etc. etc. Or it could find where a drug dealer had deposited a little tab of an illegal drug in a secret tiny hole, but if it ate any of the drug it would die, so you have to think outside the box, scientifically as well as emotionally.

Something everyone can agree on is that the debate over Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan cannot be entirely divested of its emotional habiliments. Great emotions come into play here, just as they do regarding other great questions appertaining to life. If we aren't careful in this arena, powerful emotions will box us out and we'll have no chance of contributing to the contest.

This is why dwarf rabbits are so popular in the U.S., at least theoretically, because people get very emotional about really small rabbits. Therefore even if they're a rancher and what they need is a big powerful dog to rein in the cattle, emotion may win out over reason and the next thing the rancher knows is that his cattle are missing because he never bought a giant hound. And then, negatively, emotion may win out over reason yet again when the rancher beats the dwarf rabbit against the heavy timbers of the wide front porch in a psychotic rage. Everyone should be careful in these types of scenarios, especially as regards sports heroes.